and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she told me i tasted like america
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
