I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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