Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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