I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
