I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
