he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
