My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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