I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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