how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
