mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
