Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
