call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
