dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
A bitchslap is in order.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
