genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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