when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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