The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
