guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
