it's too hot outside to masturbate.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Everclear isn't food dammit
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
