I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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