cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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