My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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