One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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