my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
