i wish there were pregnant emoticons
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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