she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
