I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
