we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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