I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
