Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
