she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
