I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
