need another drink. this is the easiest way
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
