nut hugger
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
