i just had sex bonerless
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
