Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
