bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
