I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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