I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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