How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
