when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
