Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
