where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
