News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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