I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
