just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
