Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
