I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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