i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
