I faked an abortion last night.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
