Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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